Updated: Jun 24, 2021
Ego Death, Shadow work, retrogrades, OH MY!
Let’s talk about the sky right now. Baby; Saturn, Pluto, Mercury all in the sky playing games. While we prepare to usher in Jupiter & Neptune retrogrades in just a few days, the effects of the current tides are FELT. AND after two eclipse transitions; in fire & air signs - Yikes! We are all learning some type of lesson right now. Last December I had taken a “trip” and thought I saw myself then – I haven't seen NOTHING yet.
This is the time to do shadow work and I’ve noticed this wounded healer, me, have some work to do. Ahh, yes – the wounded healer. One that can help others but is too confused to help themselves. There are parts of all our shadow selves that’s not pretty and every now & then we need to fix our crowns when they get crooked.
“Sometimes people pretend you’re a bad person so they don’t feel guilty about the things they did to you.”
I want to take accountability here, because this shadow period has lifted the rosy glasses from my eyes. I have not always been a good friend to people, though I have a good heart. I have not always shown up the way I preach to others. I’m sharing this in solidarity for all those who have burnt bridges. When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire. Will you rest in self victimization or rise like a phoenix?
I have shaded, gossiped out of my own frustration + insecurities, overshared, held onto resentment, sub tweeted, ghosted, got carried away with my ego, and not communicated effectively; ouch! Moments I’m not proud of at all. And for a few, I’ve missed out on some amazing people with my emotional immaturity.
"Your worst enemy sometimes be your own memory, let that shit go."
This level of self-awareness came suddenly as a person I love pointed out things she was not tolerating in our friendship. I was angry, upset, confused, sad, and ultimately embarrassed. I needed work.
None of us are perfect but being a good friend doesn’t have to be complicated. And how can I show up for others if I’m not showing up for myself. Though it was hard to hear- I needed to be checked to become aware of myself so I can grow.
“Get in loser, we are unlearning toxic behaviors.”
As I start to see repeated patterns in my surroundings whether it's friends or family, I'm understanding myself more as I peel back the layers. I began to uncover this ugly hurt that I must let go. I want to love & be loved; be supportive, be kind, have boundaries, have fun, and be honest with others. Not be detached, dissociated, dismissive, negative, and judgmental of others. To the people who knew me as that person then, I am deeply sorry for hurting you in those ways- I apologize sincerely.
A huge lesson from this is radically accepting that people have the right to not re-kindle a friendship after an apology. No matter what, no one owes anyone anything. But we can forgive ourselves, move on, and DO BETTER.
YOU can heal and become a higher vibrated version of you. No one can love you, like YOU love yourself. Shadow work is hard AF, but so rewarding. Every challenge is an opportunity for a victory to be won. Don't victimize yourself, and take accountability for whatever this period of retrogrades are revealing. Everything's not lost. What can be found is peace, compassion, and consistency to show up for self. And as the cup starts to overflow with self-love; others will begin to receive it too. Take time, but also grow the fuck up.
“I can still make a beautiful life for myself”
I’m taking time this summer to really think about the environment I want for myself. And I too, have not been honoring my boundaries. I no longer want to be served tea; we will not be exchanging hurt stories of others together. I will not be a gossip buddy. I will not wallow in self-pity and be emotionally dumped on without a check in. I will not accept it.
I want the alkaline water and the fresh juice, baby. Talk to me about what you’re grateful for, what made you smile today, your dreams, stars + constellations, how you’ve changed your mind, growth, opportunities, and love. It’s all about balance. No one is perfect and positive all the time. However, I want to be proud of my tribe and I want them to be proud of me.
"The hardest habits to break are ones you've been carrying all of your life and not everyone will understand the magnitude of those habits."
As I grow into this person, I feel further away from the “Samantha” I’ve known. I’m in this grey area of relearning to love myself. I’ve avoided cleaning my mirrors- afraid of seeing every dark spot beyond myself. I haven’t been feeling pretty releasing these ugly parts, It’s a process to love self through shady periods. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Over and over. Just keep showing up every day. There are beautiful people in my life that make some days so much easier and amazing. I'm blessed for the space they give without judgment; and meeting me on the other side of my hermit phases with love + affirmation.
I’m worth the opportunity + space to grow. I’ve been starting small on this new journey of self improvement and today I admire my strength to forgive. And I hope someone else out there can forgive themselves too.