Hi, My Name Is...
If the world as we know it vanished, would we know who we really are?
When shelter in place began last March 2020, I was in the last few months of my 20s. Like everyone else born in 1990, I anticipated a big celebration with all my favorite people bringing in the next stage of my life. The reality of that happening became smaller as the year went by and at the turn of midnight, I brought it in by listening to my dad play his drums calling in my ancestors for their blessings.
From March to December I felt like the person I've known for so long was dying. As I got to the thick of it, I found it incredibly difficult to relate to anyone. As a Virgo Sun and Pisces moon, I felt the opposite ends of myself. Here was a new version of me emerging from the center of it. Wearing new clothes can show how old clothes weren't fitting so right. This awakening made me face how others were affected by that version of myself too.
Last summer I came out to everyone I love or have crossed paths with as a medicine woman. A woman that conjures, work roots, hear + see beyond, and travel through realms. I was so afraid of being called everything I was not and losing people I've felt close to for so long. My intuition was not wrong, however I have gained back more than what I felt loss. I've been practicing for many years, but avoiding the core of the work; the shadow.
Scott Pilgrim vs The World was one of my favorite movies. At the end, he ultimately had to battle himself. He got through all the exes (challenges) and now Scott must face himself. In a nutshell that's the power of Saturn Returns, returning to self. Placed in real time situations that reflected the most painful traumas of life as a test. For so long I was using spiritual bypass to get away from myself. Not avoiding the work but also just scratching the surface and looking no further. That is of course until the lock down happened.
Knowing why I'm here and understanding my purpose, though I loss my job - I got straight to work. At the same time I started to feel a poke at my spirit. Things started looking differently from two perspectives; mine in my current state and one in the past. There comes the time during a Saturn Return when it gets dark or I like to call it the dark night of the soul. May have heard of the teachings from Eckhart. The last few months of my solar felt like a grieving process and at first I didn't understand what it was I was grieving. I constantly had flashbacks from social gatherings I felt I didn't belong to, past toxic & abusive relationships, confrontations that I would now respond to differently, friendships & bridges I've burned, and family I've neglected.
Realizing how much space my shadow was taking up in my life brought me to tears so many nights. There were hurts I've glazed over in colorful flavors to avoid how bitter they were. One thing I can do well is act like I'm not bothered or aware.
My shadow is combined with different energies; including my past lives. Just because it was a life I lived already doesn't mean the karma won't follow. There were people I would meet that felt like a sign from God but in reality; we've broken each other's hearts 3 lifetimes in a row. My shadow would leave me in chaos so, this life is my chance to break the cycle. By the end of 2020, I awakened to a messy house with people in it I no longer knew; and one was myself.
Christmas 2020 was new as it was for most of the world. First time not spending it with my family in the same room. So after our Zoom Christmas present check in, I went on a magical trip of my own. On the trip I found my most fragile self. There she was in the depths of that darkness shining a light, but too afraid to use the light to be guided out. I saw parts of myself I didn't want to see because it was attached to something bigger from my childhood. I didn't want to cry for my inner child again but something about this journey was different. I needed to rise out of this comfort of who I thought I was to see God's plan. I needed to reconnect with my parents to understand patterns from them, their parents, and so on. I needed to disconnect from people to understand behavior. I needed compassion to unconditionally love myself.
What I've known had collapsed and I needed to rebuild the true foundation of myself here. I've become so far removed from "Samantha" on earth that I felt like I needed a new name. The one my ancestors and benevolent guides had for me. My name came to me in a dream once and repeated back to me by an elder I respect. With that validation, I still felt uncertain to be as powerful as my true name and to be free.
I am not exempt from fucking up. No person on this journey is. That's where grace comes in. I have to take accountability for making a mess in other peoples lives. However, forgiveness begins + ends with me. I must forgive myself even if someone else can not. I have learned where my joy comes from and my past can not take that from me in the now or future. In a weird way, I'm grateful for all than I've experienced with everyone. Even if it didn't turn out how we imagined it to be. It's all love. Some days those flashbacks come in waves but there's something I learned from Tara Brach's book Radical Acceptance some years ago. I say to myself, "Darling, I know you suffer. That is why I am here for you. " This is a disciplined practice. I'm not meant to be understood by everyone but I have the power to understand and love on me. When that love overflows, it can be felt by the nearest person and the next.
I respect the name my beautiful mother has named me. However, I'm starting to feel Samantha as my shadow now. As I continue being the student of the universe, I'm certain more will change as I transition. One of these days I'll be reintroducing myself to the world with my given name, but for now - this all I have to say.